First, E. – his room is furthest away. I take advantage of the fact that he sleeps and I can cuddle him, enjoy the scent of his skin (his sleeping cheeks still smell like when he was an infant), calmly stroke his forehead, and when he sleeps he doesn’t reject my hand, but often the dream lifts the corners of his lips slightly, as if he was smiling.

Then Natalka. At the beginning I cover her with a quilt, because she’ll always “kick” it on the carpet, then gently have to close her mouth to force breathing through her nose. With my fingertips I lie her head down, because she always tilts it. It’s about breathing properly. In her case, bending her head back while sleeping is natural, but very bad for the quality of sleep. She sleeps in a freefall position. I leave a kiss on her forehead, and she always mumbles “thank you mommy, I love you”. “I love you too, goodnight” and I go out. I close the door, because if I don’t do it, she’ll stand up, even if she sleeps hard and snaps them so that she will wake up Maciek. And then he will immediately run to the bedroom and won’t let me finish the “ritual”.

I go to “check” Maciek at the end, his room is adjacent to ours. I start by turning the quilts upside down (M., his dad, always puts the quilt buttons-up, assuming that Maciek, just like him when he was a kid will bite them at night for a better sleep…), then I adjust the pod, M. doesn’t care if it lies properly, which is “at symmetrical intervals from the bed sides”. It is M. who usually carries sleeping Maciek to his bed. And I always correct him. I know I don’t have to – Maciek can sleep comfortably anyway. I also know that he will come to our bed in an hour or so and jump in between us. But now I have to finish the “ritual” ….

When do I feel fulfilled as a mother? When at night before going to sleep I do the “round” in my children’s rooms and make sure (still, after so many years!) That … they’re breathing, have warm noses and hands, that they are completely safe in their beds …
I can get up in the middle of the night if I remember that I didn’t cover Natalka’s legs, or didn’t correct E.’s pillows.
I’m probably suffering from “Maternal Obsession Syndrome” . I don’t know if it is healing, but my children are getting older. I’m afraid that if it doesn’t get through quickly, they will have to put a straitjacket on me at night.
We – mommies, we are weird.

Or maybe only I have it? ..